It’s been a little over a year ago since my father-in-law died unexpectedly. I had a two and three-year-old at home when we got the horrible call that he had passed away. My husband immediately packed his bag and hit the road for a few states over, where he would be planning a funeral and dealing with all of the unfair logistics that go along with a death. For multiple reasons, it didn’t make sense for me and the boys to go with, so that left me at home, devastated with grief, while trying to parent my kids and act normally when I was existing in a foggy cloud of sadness. He was gone for a week, and it was the longest week of my life. Not only was it hard to be away from my husband during (probably) the worst week of his life, with no family near me, I felt so alone and like I couldn’t function normally.
Up until this point, I’ve always been on the other side of grief. I’ve been the one making a casserole to drop off to a friend going through a rough time. But when my family suffered this loss, and I was the one who needed support, my friends stepped up in some really incredible (and unexpected) ways, beyond a typical home-cooked meal.
- They told each other the bad news (so I didn’t have to). One of the most helpful things that my friends did was that they told each other what had happened. I told one friend, and she told everyone else, without me asking her to. I’m sure many of you know how awful it is to have to explain to people that someone died. Even though I wanted people to know, I didn’t want to have to actually say it. It was such an unexpected relief that they already knew. They also told my kids’ teachers at school, so they knew what was going on with us.
- They dropped off good groceries. Until this happened to me, I always thought that people wanted a meal brought to them during a tough time. You know what I think people really want? A bag of groceries from Trader Joes. On my doorstep, one morning was a grocery bag of delicious food from Trader Joes. Some treats (like cookies, hallelujah), but also really practical, good things like pasta and a jar of sauce and breakfast items. Do you know how much I wanted to make dinner up until that point? NOT AT ALL. Before this bag of groceries magically arrived at my house, my kids were surviving off of fruit snacks and apple sauce pouches. This bag of groceries filled with good food we actually wanted to eat saved us. Now, when friends have babies or go through something hard, this is my go-to move.
- They gave me a reason to leave the house. Prior to getting the news that my father-in-Law passed away, my friend and I had planned to get together to have dinner with our kids. Of course, when she found out what happened, she offered to reschedule, but I needed that reason to leave the house. A night with a little distraction and a good friend to talk through everything with helped break up the week and was exactly what I needed. I’m so glad I had a reason to get out and do something.
- They just came over. When our best friends (another couple) found out what happened, they told me they were going to come over and we’d order take out. When they showed up, I was on the verge of tears because of a 3-year-old temper tantrum, I looked awful and disheveled, but I didn’t care. I was so happy to have other adults in my house. I would have never thought to invite them over during this week of hell, but when they just pretty much invited themselves over, it was exactly what I needed. I needed their kids to play with mine so I could get a little break. And once again, I needed good friends to talk to. This was another thing that felt like it SAVED me that week.
