It was the pie crust that broke me.
Three tries. I tried three times, but one was too dry, one was too warm, one was too tough, and by that third ruined one, I couldn’t do it anymore. I collapsed on the floor like Goldielocks and her porridge, except this third one was definitely not “just right.”
I’m sitting on the cold tile in my kitchen, tears streaming down my face. My two year old immediately stops playing – he is pushing around a toy-shopping cart full of potholders, dish towels, and kitchen utensils. I watch as the look of concern falls over his face, eyes getting big as saucers. He comes over and kneeling beside me says, “Momma,” as he wipes away my tears and pushes my hair back.
As he is doing this, so many things snowball through my mind.
“He shouldn’t be seeing me like this.”
“But he needs to know that emotions are okay, and it is OKAY to be sad sometimes.”
“But I’m supposed to be the strong one.”
“How did I get so lucky to have a sweet boy such as this.”
“I know where he gets this sweetness from . . . his daddy . . .”
The last thought stabs me, twisting the knife of realization of where this pain is actually stemming from today, on Thanksgiving morning.
I will always still be grieving.
Two years or 10 years; it doesn’t matter because love can never be lost – only changed in form. The love I have for my deceased husband will always affect me, and I happily accept that pain in exchange for the memories I have.
Remembering that our losses can affect us can be challenging, and like what happened to me, it can come up unexpectedly through a ruined pie crust or anything else mundane in your life. I can’t sit here and pretend that the holidays are happy and joyous for everyone because the reality is there are many who aren’t looking forward to this time of year because of all the painful reminders.
A grieving widow doesn’t look forward to seeing a couple kiss under the mistletoe or exchange loving glances with the holiday spirit in the air.
A grieving mom doesn’t look forward to seeing little ones run around with sparkles in their eyes talking about Santa Claus and laughing as they rip open presents.
Grieving daughters don’t look forward to missing their mom’s famous mac and cheese, or worse, having to make it themselves instead.
These are heart-wrenching reminders of the world we are experiencing without our loved ones; a huge void in our life that cannot be ignored while it’s painfully brought to the surface during the holidays.
“That being said, here is a little shake to reality: We have to make sure that we are not letting new experiences and traditions pass us by because of our pain.”
We cannot continue to miss life while living in our past. It is possible to honor and remember our deceased loved ones all the while creating new memories with those that are still living and loving us.
- Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one like they are still alive. If it makes people uncomfortable, so what! This is about your healing process, not about their feelings.
- Bring out the photo album for your family to look at; no matter if it is only an ultrasound from an angel baby. They all provide comfort.
- LAUGH! Laughter is good for the soul, but despite the common belief – it is NOT disrespectful to the deceased one. You are allowed to be happy, even if it is only in short increments at first.
- Don’t be afraid to cry if you need to. This can be anywhere from a full-on cry session or just a silent tear. Regularly, I will have a tear run down my cheek as I experience a memory from when my husband was alive. This is only proof of your love for that person and should NEVER be hidden.
- Stop caring what other people think. Their opinions of your grieving do not matter. You have to do what you need to do to heal as best you can for those little people you are raising. Love yourself first so you can love them.
- And finally – if you want that extra dessert or glass of wine, go for it! I personally won’t be limiting my indulgence of the Yule Log or hot toddies, but that is just my poison of choice.
The most important thing to remember of all is that your feelings matter; your thoughts matter. The way you grieve, express emotion, and heal is all normal, and it is all going to be all right. It never gets easier. You just get better at processing your emotions in a healthy way.
