I’ve always been the bubbly optimist, always cheerful about something even in some dark times. Both of my pregnancies were difficult in their own ways but I had two beautiful babies after each one!
I felt like a seasoned pro in the fourth trimester after my second child was born. Somehow I felt that having one child already made me qualified to “have it together.”
Of course . . . I was wrong.
I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of guilt toward my firstborn, not being able to spend as much time with him when his little sister was born.
I wasn’t prepared for laundry to seemingly quadruple after adding just one more tiny human to the mix. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it was to gather myself together to be a productive employee at work. I didn’t feel like I could pour my energy into my work because I literally had no energy, no sleep, and no time.
My cup was empty but so, so full all at the same time. My patience was nonexistent. Trying to problem-solve with logic got me nowhere in those early days as a working mom of two. I cried in my car to work, I cried as I bathed my kids at night and rocked them to sleep, and I cried as I reflected on the day, feeling so frustrated with myself. I cried when people asked what was wrong because I was so thankful they cared but honestly, I couldn’t even explain how I felt — I just knew it wasn’t good.
Getting Help Through an Antidepressant
I knew this wasn’t who I wanted to be, so I reached out for help. I was so thankful for old friends and new that didn’t need me to explain anything.
Then in walks my new friend, Lexapro (an antidepressant), from my very wise OB/GYN.
Something about being a pharmacist made me feel like “I never needed that kind of medicine.” Ignorant arrogance? Probably. But motherhood has a way of humbling the biggest ego.
Starting the antidepressant gave me a foothold when I was lost. It helped me take three deep breaths before I lost my temper so I had time to rethink my reaction. It helped me show up better for my kids when they needed me most. It helped give me the time I needed to navigate this new life that was constantly changing as my kids grew.
I am thankful it has helped me survive one of the toughest seasons I’ve endured. When I celebrated my daughter’s first birthday, I really celebrated myself, too. That first year was tough and I learned a lot about myself, motherhood, asking for help, and loving more than I ever thought I could.
As I approach the one-year birthday of Lexapro and my time together, I’m entertaining the idea of letting it go. I feel confident in this skin, confident I’ve practiced ways to deal with the hard times, and confident I know myself better for when I need some more support. I’m in no rush, but I feel ready. I am thankful to my antidepressant for helping me be present through the “thick of it.”
If you or anyone you know is struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety, please call or text Postpartum Support International at 1-800-944-4773, or the local Postpartum Support Charleston at 843-410-3585.
, from my very wise OB/GYN.){kind=link}