For me: Trauma looks like smelling any and all clothes for any hint of smoke/mold/mildew. Trauma looks like being constantly on edge waiting for something else to go wrong. The hurry up and wait. My thumbnail is a constant reminder of my emotional state. I’ve picked the skin and cuticle probably to the point of infection. I’ve gotten terrible sleep the past few nights.
The current time is 2:38 am and I’m doing some laundry and pacing the common areas of the hotel every 20 minutes or so. I’ll nod off for a few hours but then always wake up feeling unsettled. Wondering what else is going to happen. Constant alert. Days are just as long but now I’m checked out. I don’t want to engage with the insurance company, talk to the adjuster about what was in the house, or give the leasing office our new mailing address. I can’t give them the hotel address and we won’t be in our new place for three weeks so I guess we’re homeless now….?
I’m stuck between the need to be doing something and the avoidance of all the things that need to be done.
I’ve made four trips back to the old place. We were only supposed to go in once to look for anything that could be saved. Maybe I can find that two years worth of contact lenses I just bought. I might be able to find some clothes that don’t smell like smoke/aren’t covered in mold. I had my absolute favorite pillow that of course wasn’t able to be saved, but I need to go make sure just in case. Another trip back to look for softball gear. Daughter will be trying out for the softball team at college and her bat, gloves, box of balls were back in the corner of that closet so they might be ok. Every time I’ve gone back I’ve been met by other families with the same shell shocked expression I’ve seen in the mirror, on my husbands face, and on the kids face. Twice I’ve come back to more alarms going off and the fire department combing through the building again.
Little man was a trooper that night. He was woken up out of a deep sleep by me shaking him awake- how he slept through those alarms I’ll never know. We ran out of the house in such a hurry that he didn’t have time to get fully dressed or grab his glasses. He had to tell EVERYONE at the hotel the next day why he was parading around with just a t-shirt and boxers. I’m thankful that he has stopped telling people that he slept in the backseat of the car with the dog, or if he does share that part of the story he tells people why he was sleeping in the car and that it was only for a few hours.
We are so so so very thankful for the support of friends and family! The offerings of support and distraction from our current reality has been amazing and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for the wonderful people in our lives. We are all safe. The fire took more than our possessions and our home from us. It took a sense of security and peace. We are definitely in the process of healing and doing the things that allow us to rest.
