Searching For Answers After Miscarriage

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January 6, 2015, started out as most other days. I dropped my daughter off at preschool and was planning on heading to a yoga class after my monthly prenatal doctor’s visit. I was ready to get back into a normal routine after the excitement of the holiday season and I had already started making a checklist of things that needed to be done before our new baby arrived in July.

There was nothing remarkable for me to remember about sitting in the waiting room that morning at the doctor’s office. Nothing alerted me that in just a few minutes, everything would be different. As the doctor moved the Doppler around and around my belly to get the baby’s heartbeat, I remember her saying “I thought I just had it” so I wasn’t overly concerned. I vaguely recalled that it sometimes took the doctor some time to find the heartbeat with the Doppler in my previous pregnancy, something to do with the placement of my placenta.

When the doctor said we would go do an ultrasound, my anxiety started to climb. But I just focused on the fact that she thought she had heard the heartbeat. Maybe we had a faulty machine. Maybe the baby was just being stubborn. I had heard the heartbeat only a few weeks before We had just told all of our family the good news over the holidays.

Everything was fine. It had to be.

The ultrasound room was in use so I had to sit in the hallway and wait. This did nothing to calm my nerves. I must have mentally transported myself to another planet because I don’t remember any thoughts that I had during those extremely long five minutes of waiting for the room to open. Finally, it did though, and I hopped quickly onto that table, eager to not only hear the heartbeat but also to see my baby and know that everything was ok.

The doctor’s silence as she performed the ultrasound was deafening.

I kept waiting to hear that strong little heartbeat. Instead, there was silence until the doctor said matter of factly that there was no heartbeat and there was also no fluid around the baby. I was beyond shocked and my mind was racing. How could that be? I had no signs of a miscarriage. I had absolutely no indication that something was wrong. I just could not comprehend how this was possible. According to the ultrasound, the baby measured more than two weeks behind where I should have been. This was another punch to the gut. How, for more than two weeks, had my baby been not alive in me (I still cannot even bear to say the dreaded D word.)

I went for a follow-up ultrasound at the hospital later that afternoon, determined to know that what the doctor had seen was right before I made any kind of decision about how to proceed. The only thing I really remember about that agonizing second ultrasound was when the technician looked at me and just shook her head, her silent message to me that the original ultrasound was correct and that my worst nightmare had come true.

Life After Miscarriage

Over the next few days, I waited for the physical pain. I almost wished for it as I thought maybe it would tell my mind that something had happened.

I felt betrayed by my body.

I always assumed that if something was wrong, I would know. My body would tell me with pain, bleeding, or some other indicator. I had so many questions after my miscarriage that just couldn’t seem to be answered. I am someone who likes to have an answer for everything.

In the weeks following, I think I checked out every book my library had on the subject of miscarriage. Since the doctors couldn’t give me a good explanation, I was hoping to find something, anything, that would give me a clue. Was it something in my diet? Too much exercise? Not enough exercise? That coffee that I told myself was fine? Why had this happened and how could I ever trust that my body wouldn’t betray me like this again?

The only answer that these books gave me was that there really were no sure answers to why this had happened. Not too encouraging for a control freak like myself. More than likely it was a genetic mutation of some kind. One fact that kept hitting me during my reading was how common miscarriage really is. Like 1 in 4 women common. That is mind-blowing. I have several friends who have suffered miscarriages, yet until you go through it, you can’t truly understand the depth of the loss. You are suddenly faced with a new normal, life before a miscarriage and life after.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I think it is important that we have this time when these topics are more talked about, but it is still not enough. There are so many women who are suffering silently because they don’t know who to talk to or how to tell their stories. Doctors are not well equipped with the resources their patients need when receiving this devastating news. Seeing the words “spontaneous abortion” on my medical bills still feels like a slap in the face.

It has been nearly two years since my miscarriage and I still go back and forth between wanting to tell anyone who will listen about my loss and other times where I find it hard to even utter the word miscarriage. A simple question from a stranger asking how many kids I have can still throw my mind into a tailspin. Flashes of what could have been still my heart break into a million pieces.

One thing that has been abundantly clear to me since going through this and speaking with others is that as women we are amazingly strong. Like superhuman strong. Having a baby, going through pregnancy and childbirth is an amazing feat, both mentally and physically.  But going through loss, well that’s strength on a whole other level.

As common as miscarriage is, it can still feel totally isolating when it happens to you. To those out there who have suffered loss, please know that you are not alone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no time frame for how long the grief should last.

For those in the Charleston area, below are some local resources:

  • Tender Memories Perinatal Loss Support Group –The Tender Memories Perinatal Loss Support Group helps men and women deal with the grief and depression they feel after losing a pregnancy. This free group, led by obstetric nurses trained in pregnancy bereavement issues meets the 2nd and 4th Monday of each month, from 6:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., at the Prenatal Wellness Center, 135 Cannon Street, Suite 202 (Cannon Place), in Charleston, SC. Please call 843-792-6395 for more information.
  • Employee Assistance Programs-Many companies have free brief therapy sessions available within the organization. Check with human resources in your company or your partner’s for more information.
  • Charleston Moms Forever Loved, Never Forgotten Wall– We’d like to help you visually mark those little lives. If you’d like to add your baby to our Forever Loved, Never Forgotten wall, we would be honored to remember them with you.

Searching For Answers After Miscarriage

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Jody Vitali
Jody and her family made the change from big city life in Chicago to the suburbs of Charleston and couldn't be happier! With an undergraduate degree from Elon University, and a Masters in Counseling from DePaul University, Jody's career path took a different turn when given the opportunity to take over ownership of Charleston Moms. This new adventure has left Jody with so much excitement for continuing the great work that CM has already started, and also very little free time as any business owner knows! In between balancing the responsibilities of being a WAHM, Jody enjoys spending time/keeping up with her two young daughters, date nights with her husband Rob, practicing yoga, exploring Charleston, and indulging in some retail therapy.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Jody, thank you for sharing that story. I’m blown away constantly by how amazing women are, even when we don’t feel it.

  2. Thanks Lauren, I appreciate you taking the time to read it! Agreed-women are amazing! We need to give ourselves more credit!

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