Imagine a child showing up on your doorstep after surviving unthinkable trauma. In their short lives, they may have never known peace and comfort within the four walls of the place they used to call home. By the time they arrive at your door, they have preconceived ideas about family and safety, and what it means to have a place to call home.
They might come to you in need of everything from clothes that fit to a toothbrush. But what they truly need is a sense of felt safety and to know that they will be taken care of and treasured, maybe for the first time in their lives.
In psychology, a model known as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs dictates what people need to reach a point of self-actualization. At the bottom of the pyramid, people first need to have their physiological needs met. Safety is a close second and both of these categories must be met before you can move on to belonging, esteem, and self-actualization at the top of the pyramid.
The question is . . .
What can you do to help your children feel safe and welcome?
Please note that these tips aren’t just for foster parents, though they can certainly help in this arena. Every child deserves to feel safe within the walls of their home.
1. Allow Space
Children need to have a space that they can retreat to when things feel overwhelming. They may not be able to have their own bedroom, but they still need a space to call their own. Whether it means that they have a small nook in the living room or a room to themselves, give them a sense of autonomy over their environment.
This can be as simple as letting them have some say in the décor. Let them choose the paint color, pick out their favorite photos to hang on the wall, or choose their own bedding.
When things start to seem as if they’re overwhelming your child, encourage them to take space and retreat to their area. Allow them to be alone here, to think and reflect on what’s going on in other parts of the home. This is a space that is just for them. Try not to enter into it unless you’re invited to have a conversation with them.
2. Prioritize Their Likes and Dislikes
While it can be hard to prioritize everyone’s likes and dislikes in a large family, part of allowing a child to feel safe is to make sure that they feel seen. For foster children, it might mean asking a few basic questions about what they like and dislike. If you’re raising biological or adopted children, it might mean that you’re more intentional about their preferences.
This doesn’t have to be overly complicated. It can be as simple as inviting them to help you in the kitchen when you prepare their favorite meal. Buy them their favorite fruit snacks at the grocery store. Get them that sweatshirt that comes in their favorite color when you notice that their current jacket is looking a little threadbare.
When your child sees that you notice who they really are and what they love, they will feel more at peace and safe with you.
3. Make Yourself Available
This is one of the most valuable things you can do for children, no matter how they come to you. You need to make yourself available and carve time out of a busy schedule to spend time with your kids and listen to what’s going on in their lives. Reassure them that they can always express their feelings to you – even if you may not like them.
Give them space when they seem to need it, but be sure to let them know that you’re nearby if they decide that they want some company with their feelings.
4. Set Expectations
Children tend to do better when they know what to expect and what is expected of them. If you have been unclear about what you expect from your kids, now is a great time to start setting clear boundaries and expectations for how your home will function. If you expect no phones at the table or attendance to a weekend family game night, this is the time to lay down the law.
Expectations help kids feel safe and give them a clearer idea of what to expect from you as the parent. When everyone is on the same page regarding what and how they should act, it makes for a more harmonious home.
Not to mention, it increases the felt safety of the child because it lets them know what they should be doing and what the consequences are for not complying.
Felt safety is a critical component of setting your child up for success. Even if you know that your home is a safe place for a child, you need to let them know that they will be taken care of here. It builds trust between you and the child and allows them to thrive, reaching higher on the levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Whether you’re a foster parent or a biological/adoptive parent, come up with ways to make sure that your child feels truly seen and safe. It will help you build a better relationship with your child and it gives them the framework to know what is expected of them.
