Bedtime Boundaries & Advice from Grandma

We’ve always had a strict rule in our house: after bedtime is “grown-up time.” Our kids cannot leave their rooms (unless vomiting or bleeding) or come sleep in our bed with us. After we put them to bed, it is our alone time together. We tell them when they’re teenagers they can stay up later with us, as we’ll gladly welcome any quality time with them at that age when they so choose! My sweet seven-year-old daydreams of that teenage privilege at times. But for now, that time of day is reserved for my husband and me.

I remember when my first son came home through adoption, we were so relieved when he would fall asleep because we were EXHAUSTED in the adjustment to parenthood with a toddler. We’d tip-toe around the house after putting him to bed. We’d sneak our after-bedtime stress-eating treats from the kitchen, trying not to clang bowls and spoons together while scooping ice cream. If we watched a movie, it would be on our laptop to keep it quieter.

After a while with our son home, he got used to the bedtime expectation, and we were a bit less careful with making noise around the house. But then we got really into board games together after bedtime. And needless to say, cooped up in our bedroom playing board games at night for a season meant our preschool-aged child accidentally got used to falling asleep in a quiet house.

But then Marvel movies entered my world, and I needed to start watching them in order from the beginning before I could see the upcoming one in theaters with my husband! That fateful night — a few minutes into the first Iron Man movie on our living room TV– our sweet, confused little boy rushed out of his bedroom crying.

“It’s bedtime! You’re supposed to be in bed,” he wailed.

His dad reminded our weepy boy about our “grown-up time” again, and that he needed to go back to bed.

“But I want to watch too!”

Oh, child. Our boy thought he was missing out on a fun kids’ movie with us — because to his knowledge, we had never watched anything without him. And all those nights playing board games quietly in our room instead of clunking around the house doing this or that… our preschooler genuinely thought we went to bed at the same time as he did!

A few days later I was relaying the situation to my grandma over the phone, able to laugh about it now. To which she replied, “Oh, no — I never stayed quiet after my boys went to bed! No, they need to learn to fall asleep when it’s time to, even with noise.” Grandma raised five boys in a small ranch-style house. She explained, she would watch her TV at regular volume in the living room, or often times she would even vacuum after the kids went to bed! At that time, I couldn’t fathom making that much noise! But she was right.

I learned a big lesson and made a decision.

I want my kids to learn to stay in bed out of obedience and be able to tune out any noise they may hear in the rest of the house. Though the younger ages may be difficult to teach this, to me it is worth it so they can feel comfortable and able to get the rest they need anywhere they happen to be. I don’t want them to rely on a bunch of sleep time necessities, like an absolutely quiet environment.

I also want my kids to know that their mom and dad have lives outside of them too — that we do stay up later because our lives don’t revolve around them only. I want them to know that their parents value spending alone time together as adults and that we prioritize time together each day to keep our marriage strong. And maybe I also want them to overhear us watching some Marvel movies from time to time, so they grow an interest that we can all enjoy together when they’re older! Why not?!

Now, with a second boy in tow — our kids have gotten used to the boundaries we’ve set for bedtime. We watch a grown-up movie or show together almost nightly from our living room. Our boys know they’re expected to stay in bed, and they get to sleep just fine. That doesn’t keep our littlest from asking Mama to stay in his room at night instead of having “grown-up time” with Dad. But it gives an opportunity to explain what his parents need each day in order to keep us all a healthy family unit.