Let me start by saying I thought I was extra clever and invented the term “momposter syndrome” when I was contemplating this article. It’s imposter syndrome, but for moms. Turns out, much to my chagrin, I didn’t invent the term. Typing it into my search bar returned several articles on the subject — which both delights and saddens me. I am thrilled to see the topic being discussed in a more open forum, however, I hate that we as moms feel like we’re faking it when it comes to parenting.
If you’re not familiar with imposter syndrome, I’ll elaborate. It is defined as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success.”
Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you’re not alone. I’ve struggled with imposter syndrome professionally for years, and now, I seem to be having the mom version as well. I’ve discussed this ad nauseam with my counselor and feel like I have some great tools to help me navigate it for my professional life. However, I now find myself asking, “Will I ever feel like I’m a good mom?”
I’m certain there isn’t a woman alive who hasn’t felt like a “bad mom” at some point in their parenting journey.
I know the exact moment it happened for me. I was laying in the hospital bed just mere hours after my son was born, exhausted and depleted. He was in the bassinet next to me starting to squeak and my first thought was, “Oh please go back to sleep. I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.” And immediately the mom guilt set in and I felt awful for thinking that way. What new mom in her right mind wouldn’t jump at the chance to pick up her newborn and comfort them? Apparently, me.
Now, the rational side of me knows that I am a good mom and that no matter what, I’m doing my best. But the other side of me is yelling, “You’re not a good mom, you should be doing more. Why aren’t you doing more?!” Sigh. It’s a vicious cycle.
So what does it take for us moms to know deep down that we are good moms, and truly believe it? I’m not sure. But I do know that talking to a licensed therapist/counselor is a really good place to start. They can provide the tools you can put in place to start the work.
In the meantime, and for the purpose of this article, I’d like to share some of my tricks for helping me through the tough momposter days.
- Take a moment to breathe. I know, I know. It’s corny. But taking even just a minute to take a few deep breaths and excuse yourself from the negative talk in your brain makes a big difference.
- Talk to whomever you feel safe/comfortable with – be it family, friends, colleagues, other moms, etc. Share what you’re feeling with them. Being open, honest, and vulnerable with someone you feel safe with will help ease the anxiety and guilt. And there’s a pretty strong likelihood they’ve felt the same way at some point and can empathize with you. Camaraderie is very healing for the psyche.
- Try to stay away from social media/internet scrolling in those moments. Getting caught in the comparison trap will not do you any good, and it’s an easy trap to fall into. Social media only shows you the good moments, the well-crafted and filtered side of people’s lives. If you need an outlet, try reading a book or magazine, or getting outside for a few minutes if you can.
There are days I feel like I’m absolutely crushing being a mom. And then there are days I’m crying on my couch feeling like the worst mom in the world because my kid was having epic toddler meltdowns all afternoon and I put him to bed 30 minutes earlier than normal. It sounds silly now that I get it out of my head. But at that moment, it was very real. I felt so guilty for being frustrated with him, and also guilty for needing the space to clear my head. Guilt on guilt.
There may never be a time when I truly feel like I’m a great mom no matter how much I work on it. However, we do need to give ourselves some grace. And we need to tell ourselves, “You’re doing a great job,” because we are.
