I LOVE my OBGYN. Like maybe a little bit too much. I could have cried after I had each of my babies just because I knew it meant I wouldn’t be at their office every week. I recommend my doctor to everyone I know. I wanted to be BFF’s with my nurse (I know it’s weird)! It’s now been a year since I’ve had my second baby, and when their office phone number popped up on my phone last week, I got a pit in my stomach. It’s time for my annual exam, but I’m dreading going.
I’m nervous to see all of the cute moms-to-be in the waiting room anxiously awaiting their turn to hear their baby’s heartbeat. I’m anxious to see all of the nervous dads scrolling through their phones, about to find out if they are having a boy or a girl. You see, my husband and I decided we aren’t having any more kids.
What if I see all of the excitement of having a baby and regret our decision?
Making a decision…and the feelings that come with it
We had two little boys very close together (20 months apart) so it has felt like I have been pregnant for two years straight. After a lot of discussion, we decided that after the birth of our second son, we would be done. We were so sure that we wanted to stop at two that I had a tubectomy (getting your tubes tied) DURING my c-section. My husband even had a vasectomy three weeks later, just as an extra guarantee that I could not get pregnant again. We’ve always been decisive people and it’s felt good (for us!) to know that having another baby is off the table. But I know seeing those pregnant women at my OBGYN is going to make me feel jealous. I’m never going to be pregnant again and I’m dreading the reminder of that. What I’ll never have again will be staring right at me – in the form of cute baby bumps, maternity shirts, ultrasounds and hands on kicking bellies.
It’s not even like I had great pregnancies. My first baby was easy, sure, but my second boy came with more aches and pains, heartburn and scary monthly appointments with the Maternal Fetal Care Specialist when ultrasounds came back with uncertain results. But oh man, the feeling of your baby moving around inside of you is amazing. The excitement of a positive pregnancy test is unlike anything else. Seeing your baby on a 3D ultrasound! How could you not miss those things? Buying maternity clothes, picking out “going home from the hospital” onesies, decorating a nursery, being showered with parties and presents and love! Being pregnant is such a special time. But that time is over for me!
I know that the jealousy of seeing those women about to become mothers will wear off, but ugh, I don’t want to have that feeling at all! Our decision to stop after two was absolutely the right decision for us. We are so happy with our happy and healthy little boys and our family is totally complete. But that feeling of yearning to replay that time in my life will probably never go away. And that’s just going to have to be okay.