It’s Like Looking in a Mirror (5 Tips About Raising a Child Who is Just Like You)

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My daughter is a carbon copy of her father and has been since the day she was born. She’s got his gorgeous copper hair, his deliciously full cheeks, his fair, future-freckled skin, and even the same deep dimple in her chin. The latter was actually visible in her last ultrasound, so I was fairly certain that she’d be his mini-clone. But as she’s come into her own, at the vibrant age of two-and-a-half, I’ve come to realize that she couldn’t be more like her mother if she tried.

Raising a Child Who Is Just Like You: a mom and her redheaded toddler daughter smileGrowing up as the youngest of four children and as the only girl, my parents used to joke that I was “raised by wolves.” I was a formidable, independent little woman with a wide smile but a short fuse. This earned me the moniker “Beauty and The Beast, All in One Package” because I could vacillate between both of those identities within mere minutes of each other.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I knew it was a possibility that she could have a similar personality, so when she started showing the same . . . spirited . . . tendencies, I accepted that I had met my match.

I reached out to some of my wonderful mama friends for words of advice on how to best parent a child who is just like me. (It’s important to note that I’m not a child development professional, just a professional mom leaning on other moms more experienced than I am.)

Raising a Child Who Is Just Like You

1. Co-regulation

This one came up A LOT from the moms I talked to, so I knew it was important. Psychotherapist Jennifer Nurick says, “Co-regulation is where one nervous system calms another. It happens when you have a caregiver who is attuned to you as a child. They can use their body, the tone and pitch of their voice, and their breath to anchor safety for you as a child and calm you down.

Basically, if you want to help your child calm down, you’re not going to be able to do it if you aren’t calm either. In dealing with my daughter during a tantrum, remembering that it’s my job to breathe and calmly approach her with patience and compassion has helped tremendously. And if there are any doubts about how that approach might work on a girl who has big feelings? Ask my husband; he’s been doing it for years.

2. Validate to De-escalate

This little gem of wisdom comes from my very own therapist, who has been by my side through multiple miscarriages, the births of each of my children, and my adjustment to all the challenges I’ve faced so far in motherhood. She’s a saint, but she’s also a fellow mom, too. She showed me that when we validate how someone is feeling, we tap into their essential need for acceptance.

When your child feels accepted, despite the big feelings they’re navigating, they begin to understand that they’re in a safe space and are more likely to calm down. It can be as simple as, “Yes, sweetheart, I know you are so frustrated that I’m not letting you feed your dinosaur nuggets to our cat, but we don’t want her to get a tummy ache. When you’re ready, you can come with Mommy and we can give her some cat treats.” (Yes, this is a real conversation I’ve had.) In that moment, as ridiculous as I thought her reason for melting down was, letting her know that I heard her and understood her helped bring her out of her chicken nugget rage spiral. When I asked my therapist if this was the same tactic she used with me, she smiled and muttered something under her breath about “the student becoming the teacher” as she ended our session . . .

3. Use the Similarities to Your Advantage

What’s that phrase about the devil you know or the devil you don’t know? Not that I’m comparing my sweet angel baby to any sort of demon of course, but I’ve learned how to navigate my daughter’s moments of frustration or upset by identifying the things that help me in similar situations.

For instance, when I’m feeling mad, I respond best to humor. So what do I do when my daughter wants to melt down? [Insert ridiculously funny dance, song, or face here.] All I need to see is just the tiniest hint of a smile on her face and I know it’s working because, like me, she has a great sense of humor and can be easily drawn out of a funk with a sprinkle of silliness.

I know what is going to set her off because I know what sets me off, and I can then try my best to prepare for situations or triggers for her before they arise. A little introspection goes a long way when you and your child show emotion in similar ways, and the payoff can be huge – for both of you.Raising a Child Who Is Just Like You: a mom holds her toddler daughter, posing at the beach

4. Zoom Out

When your toddler is having an emotional time, try “zooming out.” It can feel like your child is the only child on the planet who hits when they’re angry, throws a toy when they’re frustrated, or dissolves into a puddle of tears and hysterics when they’re sad (thanks a lot, perfectly curated depictions of motherhood on social media). Zooming out to look at the broader picture of who your child is can really come in handy.

Ask yourself, “Is this actual developmentally appropriate toddler behavior? Is this truly a reflection of my parenting, her personality, or is this a tiny person just navigating a big world?” Sometimes it can be all three! If you still have concerns, it never hurts to chat with your pediatrician about it of course.

There have been plenty of times that I’ve looked at my toddler melting down, and then to my husband and mouthed, “What is going ON with her?” Each time, he’s helped me zoom out: there was nothing wrong with her, except sore two-year-old molars bursting through, a shorter nap than usual that afternoon, and I gave her the purple cup instead of the blue cup she requested. See? I needed the reminder that this was perfectly normal for a toddler to behave that way and that she also came by her over-the-top theatrics honestly (and I can humbly say I’ve lost my marbles over far lesser offenses).

5. Look Ahead

If you’re like me, with a child who has similar challenging personality traits, you need to cut yourself some slack (and maybe give yourself a hug). One of the mama friends I spoke to graciously reminded me that some of the difficult traits my daughter is showing now are going to be some of my positive traits later. “Siobhan, you’ve always known what you want, how you want it, and when you want it. That is a good thing,” they told me. And they’re not wrong: my fierce independence, choosiness, and perseverance (okay, stubbornness) have brought me, with a lot of luck, the life that I’ve always dreamt of. If my daughter is showing those traits now, then I’m choosing to embrace her similar personality for the gift that it is and to be excited that I’m along for the ride.Raising a Child Who Is Just Like You: a mom holds her toddler daughter under a gazebo

I’m grateful for these tidbits of “mom knowledge” that my friends have shared with me. It’s already made me a more patient, gentle mama, and it’s brought me even closer to my beautiful daughter.

I sometimes used to think she got the short end of the stick from me because she is the same “emotionally saturated” girl I was, but I’ve come to realize that’s not a bad thing at all. Can she be ferocious? Yes. Can she be ferociously affectionate? Also, yes. Do the tears pour out when she’s upset? Definitely. But does the joy pour out of her when she’s happy? Yup, and it’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen. For as similar as we are, my girl is truly one-in-a-million, and I know that with the right tools to guide her, and decades of my own experience, she’s going to take this world by storm.

What other tips can you share about raising a child who is just like you?

About the Author

Siobhan Magin is a stay-at-home mom of two-under-two and the wife of a resident at MUSC. A former teacher, she loves watching her children learn and grow while making messes and memories and exploring the beauty of Charleston. When she’s not chasing around her babies or putting out small fires – literally and figuratively – she can be found reheating her coffee for the 100th time, strutting the aisles of Target like a catwalk, binging reality television during nap time, eating her child’s leftover dinosaur nuggets, or reading her kindle on the floor of her bathroom with the door locked.