It was never in my master plan to leave home. I never felt like “I need to get out of this place” or “I’ll never grow if I stay here”, but…meeting a man (who’d become my husband) whose job brought us out of state changed all that. The two of us moved (and moved in together for the first time), grew closer as a couple and had an adventure in a new place. We’d come home for holidays, or you’d come visit us. It all seemed to temporary then. We thought eventually we’d move back home to be near our family, especially when we started our own family. But we didn’t.
And I feel guilty about that.
When we had the opportunity to choose if we wanted to move back home or try something new, we decided to try something new and move even farther away. I’m sure you must have been at least a little disappointed. But you never let it show. You never questioned our intentions (at least that I remember) and were always positive and encouraging. I want you to know how much that means to me. I don’t think I could have made probably one of the best decisions of my life if I knew you were sad about it.
And then I got pregnant. I bet it was hard for you to not see my bump in person and feel that little baby kick. I remember when you were in town for a visit and you were able to come to my OBGYN appointment with me and how special it was for both of us. I’m sure you wished you got the call that I was in labor and was able to rush to the hospital for the delivery. I’m sure it was hard to see my brand new baby on Facetime and not snuggle him in person. Honestly, it was sad for me too not to have you there. Talk about a time when a girl could really use her own mother. But I was the one who chose to move away, so this was my fault.
But something that I want you to know (and that I think you already know), is that we are SO HAPPY here. And a lot of our happiness comes from where we live. We are living a life that we didn’t even know was possible until we took a leap of faith and moved away from home.
But I miss you.
I wish you were here to come over for dinner on a random Tuesday. I wish you and Dad could come to the boys’ sports games any time you wanted. Or come to Grandparents Day at school. And I wish you could babysit! I definitely get jealous when my friends have parents who are able to babysit at a moment’s notice. But this is what we chose when we moved away.
And even though we don’t see each other as often as either of us would want, the time that we spend together feels SO SPECIAL. When you come to stay with us, my kids get to see you when they wake up AND when they go to bed. You get to see our daily lives that I don’t think you would see if we lived back home. Plus, since we only get to see you a few times a year, when we are together, we just get to do the fun things! The zoo, beach, baseball games…it’s just all the best stuff! And that’s what my kids are going to remember. The incredibly fun times they’ve had with their grandparents. Not just going over for dinner on a Sunday night and rushing out the door two hours later because we have our own lives to get back to. We get real, quality, happy times with you, and for that, I’m really grateful.
Holidays like Mother’s Day make me especially lonesome for you. And there are also so many ordinary days that I miss you and wish you were here. I’m sorry we moved so far away, Mom. But I think it’s okay. You’re still my mom, and I’m still your daughter, and the distance doesn’t change that. I love you, Mom.