This coming school year marks a big milestone for our whole family. My youngest will be starting kindergarten and so I will officially be a stay-at-home mom, with no one around to parent.
I was initially very excited about this new phase of life. All I could think about was how much more I would be able to get done while home alone without someone constantly asking for snacks or needing a playmate. I started making a schedule in my head of how I would clean the house from top to bottom and do all the projects that have been put off over the years.
But now as the time inches closer to the school bells ringing and my little boy walking off to his first real class I can’t help but realize I might not be ready for this next step.
For the last eight years, I have mostly been a stay-at-home mom, rushing between errands, doctor appointments, and trying to spend quality time with family and friends. I have constantly felt like there wasn’t enough time in the day to get all the things done, and usually frustrated that I had no time to myself.
Now that there will be a seven-hour period of my day where I’m alone I’m really wondering “what now?” After the house is spotless, and the sink is fixed, and the walls are painted, who will I be while my family is off being themselves. I’ve read countless articles about moms losing themselves in motherhood, and I’ve nodded my head in agreement at all my friends saying they have no identity besides “Mom” anymore.
But, I never once thought that I should plan for a time where that wouldn’t be the case anymore. When you’re in the trenches of parenthood it seems endless, and thinking one step ahead doesn’t seem as important as being in the present. Now that the future has come I’m worried I won’t know who I am anymore.
I’m hoping this will take me on a new journey of discovery, and that I will come out on the other side feeling like myself again, not me before kids, but a better more full version of myself. Someone who can find things they enjoy by themselves, while also remembering to make cupcakes with cartoon character faces for the class birthday party on a Wednesday.
Until I get there, I will just have to keep reminding myself that it’s only seven hours of the day, which will pass by more quickly than I think. Then they’ll be back at home jumping on the couches, asking for snacks, and begging for one more story before bed.
