What Not to Say to a Parent of Asian Children

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Have you seen the open letter in the New York Times written to a woman who told the author (a New Yorker) and his family to “Go back to China”? I’ve been thinking about the topic of racism as it relates specifically to people of Asian ancestry for a while. I am the white mother of two mixed-race babies (my husband is American of Japanese descent).

Not too long ago, I was talking about podcasts with a mother of grown children. When she asked what I had been listening to, I told her I had most recently been interested in those podcasts dealing with race. I explained that I thought I was interested in that topic because of its timeliness and because I have two mixed-race babies. At that, she kind of blew me off and said, “Oh, your kids will be okay. I think they would have more trouble if they were mixed black and white.

That woman may be right that other racial and ethnic groups suffer more overt racism, or possibly a more hateful version of it, but that doesn’t negate the fact that racism against Asians does exist. It may often be subtle and without malice, but it can still be hurtful. In the short time that I’ve been the mother to two Asian children, there are a few things people have said that I believe beg to be noted and not repeated.

What not to say to a parent of Asian children...A (Non-Exhaustive) List of What Not to Say to a Parent of Asian Children:

1. “White women don’t have Chinese babies.”

The person who said this to me may have had obvious social problems. However, there are a few commonly heard themes here: “Chinese” is not a general term for all Asians, and white women can have babies of all races and ethnic backgrounds, biologically and otherwise.

2. “She looks just like my Chinese granddaughter.”

This implies that all Asians look alike. I mean, really, if you are not Asian this is just going to sound racist. So regardless of whether you really think they look alike, you shouldn’t say it.

3. “I’ve always wanted an Asian baby!”

Ew. It’s like saying, “I’ve always wanted a Great Dane!” or “I’ve always wanted a Kate Spade!” — except that you are talking about a human, not a dog or a purse.

4. “Mixed babies are the cutest.”

This one I am totally guilty of saying before and after having children. It sounds pretty benign and even complimentary. However, after reading and listening to commentary on race, what I’ve learned is that this comment implies the reason mixed children are cute is because they have some white heritage, but they are “cutest” because they also look a little different and foreign.

5. “She’s so much cuter than an American baby.”

This is much like the previous comment, except that it assumes my child is not American. Assuming foreignness is one of the biggest problems in the way Asian Americans are perceived. My daughter is American. The person who said this meant “white.” We have to stop equating “American” with “white.” Take this test if you don’t believe you think this way, but be prepared to be disappointed.

6. “Your kids don’t look like you.”

This may not sound like a big deal, as if it’s just a statement of fact. Except that it’s rude. If it’s true, I probably know it . . . because I have a mirror. Said within earshot of the kids (especially those developmentally capable of understanding what you are saying) could create insecurities.


I’m not going to pretend to have answers to the racial injustices of our society. Nor do I want to sound like I am above racial bias and implicit racism (I’ve taken those Harvard quizzes online and have seen the unsettling results). In the past, I’ve personally made inappropriate comments like those above, and I’m sure I will commit other faux pas in the future.

As a white person, I am new to traversing racial comments on such a personal level. I hope to be offered grace when I mistakenly say something rude and vaguely racist (it will probably happen again). In turn, I will try to offer you the same grace when you inadvertently say something offensive about my children’s race. However, I might not completely ignore it.

While I’ve learned to identify racist jargon and comments, I have yet to come up with a response that feels appropriate. What do I say to a stranger? A friend? A friend of a friend? Should I perfect a standard response? When should I just ignore it? What about when my children get older and can understand? I want them to feel confident confronting racism when encountered with it. How do I model this? Will my response differ from theirs because I am not Asian? How would you respond?

2 COMMENTS

  1. I’m mixed (Half Japanese and half Hispanic) and have heard it all.

    In my experience, there is a difference between racism and ignorance. If you recognize that people are trying to be complimentary, just say “thank you. They are beautiful” and move on. Or I say that I’m so lucky to have two amazing cultures. It’s also my experience that people are trying to connect and will offer stories of their own heritage. Your children will be proud to be hapas.

    By the way, your children won’t develop an insecurity from people saying you don’t look like him/her. Because you’ll have an equal number of people saying the opposite and it will even out.

  2. I am a mother of 3, soon to be 4, mixed children (my husband is from Thailand). I have had a few strange comments. I try to brush them off as people who either lack a filter or are actually trying to give a compliment.
    So many people have told me my girls look like “China dolls,” even extended family members. Other comments from strangers have included “where did you get her from?” Even my brother and his wife when holding my daughter, were told “they picked a good one.”

    Some people say my kids look like me and others say they look like my husband.

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