I saw the positive sign on my pregnancy test appear as I sat beside the bathtub, bathing my 10-month-old son, and instantly my heart sank before I could celebrate. How could I do this with two under two? My type A personality couldn’t compute this unplanned event. My mind raced to my full-time job, paying for daycare, paying for college…and how could I possibly do bath time and bedtime with two?!
Fast forward two years and I’m happy to say I’ve made it out of the fog of two under two! The whole time I was pregnant or took my two little ones out together, so many strangers felt the need to say “One day you’ll be happy they’re so close!” I usually mustered a nervous laugh and said “I know!”. Meanwhile, they didn’t realize how much energy and time it took to even get out of the house.
The whole first year after my daughter was born was pretty much a whirlwind. I couldn’t tell you much of the details because I was holding on for dear life just trying to get through the thick of it. The truth is that once I accepted that was just a phase of our family’s life, the easier it was to be present and get through it. I wasn’t wishing time away but I was wishing for the fun parts to outweigh the frustrating parts and I just couldn’t wait for that scale to tip in the positive direction.
My light didn’t shine the brightest in the first year of raising two kids so young and close together. My light constantly flickered from a postpartum mood disorder, navigating a constantly busy toddler as we figured out how to communicate with each other and get through the tantrums, figuring out how to share my time and energy with two tiny humans I loved so incredibly much while trying to love myself in the process and trying to balance the rising demands of work with constant sickness, daycare closure, and doctors visits.
That light flickered but never went out because I held on to a blind hope that it would be easier one day.
Even though the strangers’ advice often annoyed me, now that they are a little older, I finally see what they meant. My daughter can walk now, my kids communicate and play with each other, and my son has grown to be the most loving and playful big brother. I have more energy, and more focus, and finally am coming out of the postpartum haze I’ve been in the past three years from having both kids.
To the parents out there in the thick of it, hold on.
Take deep breaths. See the light where and when you can, if even for a short moment. Try to laugh as much as you can and remember, this too shall pass. One day you’ll see your two small kids playing with each other and after you get over the instant panic wondering why it’s so quiet, you’ll realize how lucky you are to have two so close.
