What Has Helped in Coping With My Second Miscarriage

0

A few months ago, I wrote the article “How Did You Know Your Family Was ‘Complete’? With a healthy daughter and son, should I simply be content with our family of four or should I follow my heart and grow our family? While writing the article, I just knew I was being pulled to have a third. And once it was published, the outpouring of love for that third baby only strengthened my feelings. My husband and I agreed — we were all in for baby three. 

Warning: In the next few paragraphs, I’m going to share my experiences facing loss through miscarriage. If you’re not ready to read that now, perhaps because it’s a fresh wound for you — the last section specifically talks about what helped me the most. You may just want to scoot to the end. Spoiler Alert: It’s a podcast!

Finding Out We Were Pregnant

After a weekend with girlfriends in Florida, I just had a hunch. That Monday morning, I took a pregnancy test. Positive! My husband excitedly told our three-year-old daughter, and we watched her on the baby monitor as she ran into her little brother’s room to share the news. It was such a sweet moment that I wanted to remember forever. And over the next few weeks, it only got sweeter.

It was all our daughter talked about . . . 

    • “Is my baby here yet?”
    • “Can we watch the Daniel Tiger baby episode?”
    • “It’s going to be a girl baby.”
    • “I can’t wait to hold her.” 

But for some reason, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. When I was pregnant with my daughter (and again with my son), I had zero symptoms. I’ve never had nausea, migraines, or any other extreme early pregnancy symptom. So a lack of symptoms wasn’t causing this sinking feeling.

It was a mother’s intuition.

I wanted an ultrasound ASAP, which was no easy feat. I quickly learned that getting an OB to see me was out of the cards. What really surprised me, though, was how much persistence it took to even get bloodwork. Unfortunately, and not to my surprise, my hCG levels weren’t doubling as they should. The doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound the following week.

I spent the next few days repeating these affirmations:

My body is accepting my baby and my pregnancy will be just fine. I will have a safe birth and a healthy baby. My baby is developing normally and will be born healthy, whole, safe, and at the perfect time. I am healthy and capable of creating life, and I will again!

Flashbacks of My First Miscarriage

Because here’s the thing, I couldn’t shake the thought of losing another baby . . .

Before my daughter, I had a miscarriage. It was called a “missed miscarriage” or a “silent miscarriage.” This means the fetus died but stayed in the uterus. I saw no signs of this loss. I showed up at my first ultrasound appointment around eight weeks, eager to see my little bundle of joy, only to hear the news that the baby was measuring around five weeks. In case I had miscalculated my due date (which I knew I hadn’t), the doctors needed me to come back in a week for a follow-up appointment to track the baby’s growth. It was an excruciating week that ended with a confirmed loss. I didn’t want to go through that again.

Yet, Here I Was . . .

With my low hCG levels and a pit in my stomach, I was surprised and elated to see a heartbeat on the morning of my ultrasound. “Your baby is measuring six weeks and one day, which is right in line with your last missed period. Your due date is October 18th. We’ll see you back here in four weeks for your next appointment.” Off I went, with that treasured first ultrasound picture in hand and a smile from ear to ear. But, unfortunately, that’s not how this story continues.

A week or so later I began spotting, and fear crept back in. My doctor said she couldn’t squeeze me in for an appointment, but if I really needed to see somebody I could walk over to Labor and Delivery and request an ultrasound.

I’m sure I looked like I had just seen a ghost, and maybe the fear on my face caught the nurses off guard. But when I said I was there hoping for an ultrasound — I kid you not — the four women behind the desk looked at each other and began laughing. This, of course, made me start crying. No apologies were given. An awkward silence followed. Three of the women looked at their phones and ignored me while the other attempted to check me in — which was tough to do in between my sobs. 

An hour later, it was confirmed. The baby was measuring six weeks and one day — the same size as the day I saw the heartbeat. The baby hadn’t grown past that day. The next hour was a blur . . . Doctors. Nurses. Phone calls. Sitting alone. Silence.

After Miscarriage Two, Here’s What Has Helped

  • Words of Affirmation From My Favorite Doctor

As I said, I never even saw an OB here in Charleston, so I wasn’t able to establish a relationship with anyone. I had a lovely Resident I saw twice, but other than that I only saw random nurses. That said, my most trusted and valued medical feedback came from my former OB in Chicago. He supported me through my first miscarriage, and then he delivered my healthy daughter. He is truly one in a million. Throughout the years, he’s been a source of support whenever I wanted another opinion — and this situation was no different. He looked at my labs and gave me his thoughts. When I found out I miscarried, I began to rant to him, “Maybe I’m too old to have a third baby . . . I’m such a terrible mom for telling my child so early . . .” His words in reply were gold:

“You didn’t do anything wrong. And you couldn’t have done anything else. There is a lot to process and a lot to talk about. I absolutely do not think you are too old. Humbly, I am not certain that it is so bad that you told your daughter [you were pregnant]. There are no better parents to help a child understand that parents can be sad, and also okay. Unfortunately, we all have to learn about loss at many stages. It’s important that she knows you are okay and safe, and for her to be exposed to someone who can express their feelings. I am still covering the hospital but I’d be happy to talk to you later if you would like.”

He continued to check in on me for the entire month. He is who all doctors should be.

  • Supportive Friends and Family

While only a few people knew about my pregnancy, those who did carried me. They didn’t tell me to be grateful for my healthy babies. They acknowledged my pain and affirmed my feelings.

    • “Just because you have two kids doesn’t mean that you can’t want another one just as much. You deserve to have whatever you want in life!” 
    • “Heck, you can want twins! I was there! People say very stupid things. Don’t, for one second, let that get you down.” 

That’s what I needed . . . my cheerleaders, cheering me on . . . validating my feelings.

  • An Amazing Podcast

Spirit Babies: How and Why Do Babies Choose Their Parents?– Deb Bowen and Samantha Fey, two well-known intuitives.

A friend told me about this podcast, and I was like, “Okay . . . this is going to be a little bit out there . . . a little hippity dippity . . .” But I was intrigued. And oh my word — it brought me to tears, gave me goosebumps, and spoke to me. So while I think you should certainly listen to the podcast in its entirety (miscarriage or not), I’ll give you a synopsis and share what really resonated with me. 

In this episode, Deb and Samantha explain that before coming to Earth, souls create their soul plans. During this planning period, they choose their parents. (That’s right, they believe that before YOU were born, YOU chose your parents.) 

So if babies choose us, why do some babies not come at all or decide not to come right away (miscarry)? Here is what they believe:

    • A soul and their parents’ timelines become out of sync. 
    • The parents make choices that change their lives and, therefore, are no longer in line with the soul’s plan.
    • Something in the parents’ lives is a little chaotic or unbalanced and needs tweaking before the soul can come back in maybe six months, a year, or even more.

But what they said next is what truly resonated with me. “The soul is NOT giving up on you. They want to make sure you are both ready and that both of your lives are in sync.” And when it’s time, they will come back to you. That soul WILL find you. You have NOT lost that soul. (It’s important to note that they do talk about parents who never have that baby and different ways the soul comes back.)

Deb and Samantha encourage meditating and speaking with the soul who will be your baby. Invite them into your dreams or to give you signs. They say that the soul will speak to you if you let them. One example they give of a soul connecting with you is a toy-making noise in an otherwise quiet house. (This idea stopped me in my tracks because a few months ago when I was having trouble sleeping, I moved to the couch. My house was completely silent and one of my son’s toy cars turned on and started driving across the room. It totally freaked me out! But I love thinking it was a little soul talking to me.)

Reflection

On the surface, I felt that the timing for baby three was perfect:

  • Baby three would have been born in the fall when the kids had just started morning daycare for the school year.
  • The entire pregnancy would have been in the same calendar year — which regarding insurance would have been a financial triumph.
  • Baby’s birthday would have been in the middle of October, just like my husband’s sister and my sister — doesn’t that seem just perfect?

But after listening to that podcast, I’ve thought a lot more about the baby’s “perfect timing” and have come to the conclusion it wasn’t actually great. Things were extremely chaotic those first few weeks of pregnancy and my stress was through the roof. We were knee-deep in renovations on our latest rental property, in the process of finding a new school for our kids in the fall, and we were (still are) going from appointment to appointment with our youngest, trying to put a finger on an undiagnosed medical issue.

So what I am choosing to believe is that the little soul realized things were quite hectic in our life. Our timelines were no longer in sync. BUT, that same soul will return to our family when the timing is right. And you know what’s really wild? Without me sharing any of this theory with my daughter, she drew me a picture of the baby, gave me a hug, and said, “It’s okay that the baby ran away, Mommy. She’ll come back.”

And I believe that.

My daughter said the green face is the baby who is coming back.
Previous articleThis Is Why I Run
Next articleThings to Do in Charleston (May 2022)
Brandy Wales
Born and raised in Indiana, Brandy spent a decade as an elementary teacher and instructional technology specialist in Chicago. After marrying her husband, Chad, rescuing their beloved pup, Harper, and having two beautiful children, Emerson and Charlie, they traded in their snow boots for swimsuits and purchased a duplex in downtown Charleston. Brandy loves being outdoors, capturing memories in photographs, exploring new restaurants, blogging, and organizing anything and everything! From being landlords and Airbnb hosts to parents and travel enthusiasts, you can follow her family's adventures at www.thewalestales.com.